It's been a while since I've written. It's been a while since I've dealt with the loss of Tanya, the failed adoption. It's hard to acknowledge that term, failed adoption. I don't feel as though I've failed anyone except Tanya, and that will follow me for the rest of my life and hers.
But time has passed, and time is running out on starting another adoption. My agency has been wonderful, sending me referrals every now and then, calling occasionally, and emailing when something comes up. The hope that swelled in me about a sweet little Chinese girl (until I found out that single applicants in China must have a minimum of $100,000 net worth [those darned student loans killed me on that one]) led me to slowly get back into the process. I don't know where I'll adopt from, I don't know if I'll even find a child. But I know it's time to begin, time to try, time to move on.
I'll be filing my initial paperwork in the next couple of weeks, and I'll have to keep reminding myself that this is not because I don't want Tanya anymore, it's just an understanding that she will not come home. There are forces and politics far out of my control.
My new search will be for a different little girl. Part of this is just practical -- there's a wardrobe and room all set up for a girl. And part of this is a little selfish. For my entire life I've wanted a daughter named Josephine (a tribute to my grandpa Joe and my own middle name), So this search is different. Instead of being drawn to a child, I'm hoping to find the little girl I've always known would be a part of my life. I need this to be different, so it's a good way for me to really start over. We'll be a family over here, once we find each other.
I wrote that all a couple of months ago, but it took a lot longer than I planned for me to talk myself into getting things done . . .
I submitted the paperwork to start things over today - finally. And it felt good, really good. Much better than I thought it would, actually. So here we go again . . . I covet your prayers, folks. Prayers for me, my family, and this new little girl, wherever she is -- we'll take them all.
Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."